April 12, 2018
A Rather Dramatic Goodbye to My Favorite Wildflower Field
This year seems to be full of goodbyes. Some good and some bad. Most of which are openings to new beginnings, if not now, but one day.
I’ve been a little sensitive to loss with Matt no longer here, so there’s a good chance I’m taking this loss harder than necessary.
In my later teen years I drove past a seemingly perfect wildflower field one day. It was on the side of a busy road, but it appeared to be a haven. A safe place where nothing could affect it. A monument to the way the world keeps going and trying even when the people fall apart.
Throughout the years I would drive past it regularly and soak up its colors. I told myself I would take photos in that field and preserve it forever. One day I forgot about the field. I moved away so it was no longer a regular drive for me. Eventually, I allowed myself to give up on filling up my creative bucket. I told myself I wasn’t good enough and my photography was never going to mature. Might as well stick with exactly what you’re doing now and call it “good enough.”
At the beginning of 2017, I was in the process of winning a knock down drag out battle with depression. I had clients requesting wildflowers for their spring photos and none of my usual spots would do. Wil and I went out driving in New Braunfels with a Texas Hill County Wildflower Report in hand. After driving around for a few hours we drove to the spot. Everything began rushing back. My hopes and dreams for my photography business. My creative bucket list. My fire for attempting to grow again. There it was. Right where I left it.
That spring I was able to get in 3 sessions in the field and was rewarded with some of my all-time favorite photos. After each session, I tearfully told Wil that I could do it again. I would need to keep fighting the darkness inside of me that said I wasn’t worth anything, but I’d be able to persevere.
December came along and we drove past the field again, incidentally, on the day that Matt left. The whole area was torn up and prepared for a road expansion. I lost it. Something that should be disappointing at the most broke me down. Beauty had been taken to make room for industrial growth. Our human yearning for bigger, faster, and newer had struck again. I questioned if this was just the process of living.
It’s been 2 months and I’m now only broken in my dramatic fashion. I know that things end and change and life is about not only finding joy but bringing joy to others throughout it all. Those photos are still there. The smells of the field are secured in my mind. Matt’s awful jokes and too long hugs exist still in my heart. Things end and we find a new normal. We adjust and keep searching for joy.
That field is gone. I’ll have to find a new one for this spring. Wil and I will search once again. Life will keep going and we’ll keep searching and finding new fields.
I wrote this post back in February on my flight to Ohio for Tory’s wedding but I wasn’t ready to share it at the time. I let it sit in my drafts until I steeled myself up to look at it again today. It’s one thing to put your thoughts down on (internet) paper, and another to read them back to yourself…